Blog

Reset days

Every since I have moved I have felt messy headed. I am just now figuring out my routine and trying to get my life in order. It’s always a process when you move and I am just glad to finally be settling.

The last couple days I have been able to slow down. I have been off work and the weather has been cloudy, chilly and rainy. On these days, I’m able to really reset and get my mind in order before the work week.

When your body and mind need rest, it’s important to give it to them. Otherwise, it will catch up with you. Your body will let you know and you’ll crash. I’m enjoying the time I have to stay inside and read my book.

– Sammy J.

4/22/2023 & 4/23/2023

The last couple days have been good. I have been focusing on my healing journey. Using the time I have to read and get things done; whether that be around the house or just self care.

Using my time wisely had been important to me. I want to use the time I have filling my head and heart with the things that glorify God.. things that are good for me.

Scrolling on social media, laying in bed longer (all day) and isolating myself is NOT good for me. I notice my mental health declines when I do those things and I am working on figuring out what things ARE good for me.

Some current things (the list is growing by the day): Reading, writing, doing chores, making my bed, getting up when my alarm goes off, making sure I eat and staying active.

If I keep myself busy, I don’t allow my mind to go to a dark place.

This is your sign to look at the things around you. Things that you’re doing in your life and ask yourself “Are these things good for me?” – if the answer is “No”, cut them out. Take the time to adjust your routine, add things that make you happy and fill you with joy. Things that make you feel confident and self-full.

You got this.

– Sammy J.

4/21/2023

Today I woke up late and started my day with such a messy head. But with some time spent in the Word, I realized God is the one in control.

I can have all these things on my plate but if I just hand them over to Him, He will lead me.

I’m learning that everyday.

I’m pretty tired so I don’t have much to say but I hope everyone had a great day.

– Sammy J.

4/20/2023

Today was a much better day.

Bad days only last 24 hours and then you can always start fresh.

Even though my work day was a bit challenging, I was able to get through it. I rarely had anxiety and that alone is success! I don’t have much else to say other than forgive yourself. Allow yourself to have great days. You deserve it.

– Sammy J.

4/19/2023

A little late on posting but 4/19 was a tough one. I have really struggled with independence and doing things for myself. By myself.

For years, I have been beaten down. I felt I couldn’t be alone. I was told I couldn’t do anything without other people.

I wanted my day off to be about getting my mind right and getting out of my comfort zone.

What did I find out?

It does not take 24 hours.

I can’t just wake up and do all these things I want to do or be independent all at once. It doesn’t work like that.

Sure I went shopping, I went on a walk, I even did all my laundry I have been putting off for MONTHS; and it helped my mental state. But when it came down to it… I wanted someone there. I felt like I needed someone there. Specifically one person. I wanted to tear myself down and tell myself I wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t as independent as I thought I was.

But I can’t snap my fingers and make it all better at once. It takes time. I realized I have to take baby steps.

Like I always say… one day at a time.

– Sammy J.

4/18/2023

Today was a beautiful day in Northeast Georgia. Thank you God for allowing me to live another day and experience life.

It was a day full of adventures and memories being made with my best friend.

We take a lot of things for granted. The air outside, the sunshine, even the clothes we wear. We get so caught up in the things we don’t have, we miss and forget about all the things we do have.

Today I maybe took out my phone 5 times, a couple of them to take pictures. Today I tried living in the moment. That’s one thing I want to work on… living in the present. Stop trying to look back at my past or even in the future. Because truth be told the future is NOW.

Thank you for reading.

– Sammy J.

4/17/2023

I’m going to start something different with my blog. I want to record my feelings, my thoughts and all my experiences daily. This life is so beautiful while also being hard.

Today was a rough one. I feel like everyone has those days where you live in self pity and self destruction. Where you’re holding yourself down in water with your mouth covered. That’s at least how I felt today.

Today was full of emotions. I’m not sure how many times I cried, but I let it out because a cry is sometimes all a person needs. I think about my life overall and who I want to be while I’m here on Earth. Who I want to be is someone who makes everyone else happy. I’d rather put myself on the back burner and let myself burn than to take myself off when I’m starting to boil.

Today I learned that I need to be easier on myself. I also learned that my mind surely can play tricks on me. My emotions are out of control sometimes and I need to learn to take control; really grasp onto those thoughts and ask myself “Is this the truth?” Most of the time the answer is “No.”

Even though today wasn’t the best day, it was still a beautiful one. It was full of sunshine and birds chirping. Tomorrow I will wake up again and I just know it will be full of amazing things.

Thank you for reading.

Talk to you tomorrow

– Sammy J.

Trusting Him Isn’t Always Easy

It’s easy to trust in God when life is going great but when life is not going so great, trusting Him isn’t as easy. I have to be honest, throughout my life I haven’t always trusted God. There have been times where I just want to scream at Him and make things go my way. But the louder I scream, the more I throw fits and the farther I run… the worse it gets.

Like any relationship, trust is built. It takes work. It takes time. It takes continuous forgiveness. Thankfully God is patient. He is always there waiting, even when we feel we aren’t deserving.

Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes it’s rainstorms and spiders. During those seasons, trusting God does not come easy. That’s when you will have to fight and pray with all your might. That’s when you’ll have to hold on and give it all to God. Beautiful things do not come easy. I am currently in a season of my life where I am evolving and growing. This season of my life, I have learned to lean on God and trust in Him more than ever. No, it has not been easy. I have questioned Him, I have cried out and tried to understand. That’s exactly when I realized, I do not need to try to understand what He is doing; I just need to trust.

Everything that I have now, I have prayed for. The things I have prayed for, God has went above and beyond in providing. While I go through the tough seasons of my life, trusting Him and having faith is the one thing that keeps me opening my eyes in the morning. I fight through these days; fight through these battles because I know God provides.

Trusting Him isn’t always easy, but it is worth it.

Sometimes They Come Back

Abandonment has found a home in my life. Starting from abandonment by my own father and then following me throughout my life; friends, family, significant others. Anytime I have become close with anyone, they have been ripped away from me in someway. Sometimes it’s out of their control but sometimes they walk away. I always believed once they left, that it was for forever. I am here to tell you that is a lie.

Sometimes they come back.

One person proved that.

I tend to attach to people easily, it can either be a blessing or a curse. In this case, it ended up being both but has a happy ending. It has taken years to write about this experience and I guess it is because the timing wasn’t right. I was not healed from it. I was holding onto some resentment and carrying devastation in my heart.

It took 5 years to forgive. 5 years to truly let go.

It took 6 years for him to come back into my life.

The first time was a really hard one. We were both immature. he thought I was on a different page than he was but truth be told, I was in denial. I fell in love. Hard. I tried my best to mask it and push. In the end, we both got hurt. We both did things we never thought we would do. These things were toxic and painful. It was time for us both to walk separate ways. He went on his own journey and I went on mine.

I can’t speak on his story but I can sure say mine was a rollercoaster. I thought I was doing everything “right”, the way God intended life to go. Boy, was I wrong. The story God wanted for me was different than what I thought He wanted for me. He closed a door to something I was wanting to close for a long time. Right when He did, that’s when those many years without my best friend came to an end. I sat there in disbelief that he could ever come back into my life again and this time be different. I sat there in prayer night after night trying to understand why we were given a second chance. I sat there with tears in my eyes trying to accept the love I was given.

Why did it take six years to feel this again? Why did it take this long for me to be truly happy? I ask God that and the answer He gives me is, “I wanted to show you how strong you are, how deserving you are and that they come back.”

I will never be able to get those six years of my missing piece back. I won’t try to either because those years led me straight back to where I belong. I won’t carry the past with me because now all we have is the future.

That abandonment I talked about in the beginning? Sometimes it turns into a beautiful reunion. A beautiful relationship. Sometimes God puts you right back where you are home, where you are safe and where you were always meant to be.

Sometimes they come back.

– Sammy J.

Relection on 2022

At the end of 2021, I was in a completely different situation than where I am now. I was so unhappy with my life. It was an absolute struggle everyday getting up and getting through the day. Heading into 2022, I had a goal to be more patient with myself. I wanted to give myself the love and self care I deserved. Jesus bled for our sins so that we can be forgiven and save us from the enemy. That includes ourselves.

I wanted to be selfish. It was really hard to do that when life changed and God allowed a door to close that I wasn’t sure I wanted to close. I fought and fought. I fought with God. I was in denial of the life path He was putting me on. What He was placing in my life and taking out of my life. He spoke to me clearly, “Sammy, you must trust me.”

That’s when I gave in. I was so tired of fighting. Exhausted. I gave it ALL to Him. I gave the anxiety, depression, stress, confusion, and weight all to God. Because HE has ALL power. As much as I want to be so negative about this year, I can’t.

I can’t be. That’s because this was one of the most important years of my life.

This year taught be how to adapt to change. This year taught me I am stronger than I give myself credit for. This year taught me I am NOT alone and that it is completely okay to ask for help. This year taught me I am not in control. This year taught me that I will NEVER allow someone to take away my peace or worth. This year taught me I CAN BE INDEPENDENT and I do not “need” anybody to accomplish what I want to. It also taught me, sometimes God places people in your life you would have never seen coming.

I gained understanding, knowledge, independence, hope, responsibility, freedom, confidence and so so much more.

As I go into 2023, I want to be more intentional. I want to dive deeper into the Word. I want to continue learning more about who I truly am. I want to be easy on myself, give myself grace. I want to continue my journey with Christ. Some more “simple” goals are: I want to learn more recipes so I can cook more, get outside more and write more.

Sure this year was full of trials, mistakes, changes, and more but it was truly one I will never forget. One that transformed my life, gave me peace and hope again.

If you have made it this far in reading, thank you. I hope that you can see the good in this year even if it was a tough one. ❤